L i n k s . a r e . N e a t
My bitch
User Info
My wish list
My Website
My artwork

C o m m u n i t i e s

A r t . i s . N e a t
kurt halsey
lost fish
kirsten ulve

That's all for now!


"If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving be me."
-W.H. Auden

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-Lao Tzu

I'm a brave soul. Are you?

W h o . A m . I ?
Name: Lilly/Rachael
Age: 23
Birthday: 02/06
Height: 5ft
Eyes: Honey
Heart: Open

Likes: Food, love, friends, loyalty, honesty, walking, compassion, simplicity, sleep, generosity, candor, humor, cats, art, poetry, reading, wit, writing, drawing, singing, snow, stars, candy, sarcasm, pink, glitter, candles, ice cream, cuddling, eyes, life, weeping, cheesecake, ghosts, honor, passion, ice cream, pizza, red hair, flying kites, imagination, sushi, green tea, feeding ducks, roses, justice, reassurance...

Dislikes: Liars, conformity, self-decievers, people who play "the victim", peas, black licorice, cruelty, indecision, fake people, insects, people who are too easily offended, evasiveness, fear of love (fear of life), pain, apathy, abandonment, gold, duplicity, misrepresentation, airplanes, whores, cars, assumptions, smugness, arrogance, deep water, chores, dancing, self-importance, ignorance...

M y . P o e t r y
Recent ramblings about life, love, and the pursuit of truth and happiness...

Want more? Go here.

The Fading Miasma Somber is the fog that swallowed up my heart but finding here no prey it swiftly did depart Being partial to the woes that lovers do beget The mist passed me by to seek a more faithful pet The fleeting confusion that was once your sweet love is no longer the plum that nightly I dream of I am lost in loves winter though warm to the touch Because I live life for love and love life so much

The Stagnant Love (Is Left Behind) I stand fast in the realm of the shifting The path that you take is inaction While the hope that I hold is uplifting You grasp it, but only a fraction So you’re left in the land of yesterday To drown in your fears and your sorrow And here in the moment is where I stay But maybe I’ll see you tomorrow I left you in the land of yesterday But maybe I’ll see you tomorrow

Lifeblood I want to be someone's sunrise A fiery warmth above the mess of life I want to be someone's soundness A hand to steady that which quakes I want to be someone's moonlight A calm glow to light a dark pathway I want to be someone's goddess A lover to inspire awe and devotion I want to be someone's search light A fellow seeker of all things honest I want to be someone's excess A lifestyle to make others envious I want to gaze into his brown eyes and always see what I saw today... I am someone's lifeblood

My Disinclination to Self-Destruct I wont just pine away while he paces and frets I'd rather save my heart for one who would hold it I wont seek peace where chaos is given free reign I'd rather fight my demons without his aid I wont grasp for hands that evade my earnest touch I'd much rather flee him and fall fast out of love I wont let him toss me like rubbish from his side I'd rather walk away with a heavenward gaze And I am much disinclined to cling to false hopes When I can yet weave dreams out of sunnier days

The Masquerader With wispered nothings in your eager ear She'll spin you the tales you want to hear and her face is a deviously crafted mask to aid her in her hugely fallacious task She has a smile for you to calm and please while a catty jab is all she offers me I'd like to think that you are keen and wise and not a fool for such an artful guise

A s c e n d a n c y I was not born into affluence or schooled in the ways decorum I was not ushered into society by unsullied and caring hands nor am I skilled at any craft that is meritable or practical I am not possessed of genius or brightened by excess warmth I am in fact a good deal flighty in my moods and propensities Yet, I find I'm ever triumphant A devoted follower of my heart No matter where I may wander I am forever held high by love and all the filth on the path I have disdainfully kicked aside

The Behemoth It spreads it bulk into endless foreign territories Always cheekily pressing for an extended invitation and though quite bereft of an authentic point of view it's shameless guile serves to hoist it up into society Only when it's bitterness is muted by appeasement does it deign to allow for more than it's own position And upon criticism it huffs and resorts to self deceit As it is forever playing the part of the injured party If it was a worthy foe more than a simple nuisance I might wince and work myself into a fiery excitement But it poses no threat and arouses no malignance so that I'm content to marvel at it's squalid assertions

The Sniveling Recreant Do you realize my only real crime is honesty? yours is a deep-rooted inability to accept the truth A need to hide when I am right out in the storm And who is afraid of the ever changing world? My only real fears are incomprehensible to you You in your rickety shelter of "safe" routines I fear that I might hear your poisonous voice And believe one foul word that you vomit up I fear that the cowards like you will catch me and drag me down with your insipid blather I fear to dwell within a mile of your tv-show life lest your theatre of duplicity should fool me Just know that when I abandoned your hovels I found an infinitely more expansive venue where my disposition isn't the cause of conflict Or a suitable excuse for your narcissistic ways Because you are not the only one who weeps Or who has been acquainted with mortality You are not the only one that clings to hope And strives to possess that which would escape You are not unique in your piteous suffering Or in the fact that you seek its entangled cause You are not the only one to harbor a broken heart Or to have love lash you all through a lonely night And you are by no means of superior bearing! you are so captivated by your own predicament That you can't begin to fathom the circuitous truth that you have enemies because you make them

Milk and Cookies Do you despise me for my scars these old blemishes I sport? Are my eyes no longer windows through which you see the world? I'm a somber, lonely creature in the wreckage of my heart and though my hands are broken I still reach out for stars I wish that you could stay here we could try to talk things out I'd serve you milk and cookies and glitter till you were proud

Lillybird Flies Home Casting down the old bonds with relish I finally escape the sturdy prison I built to find myself soaring above the roofs of so many other dismal jail-houses My breath is no longer spent on crying or my hands bent to hard-hearted tasks and for once I can gaze in the mirror without feeling stabbing pangs of regret I am no longer threatened by hypocrites or the treachery of bitter self-decievers because I'm finally safe in my own skin wrapped up in the pleasure of being me

Biased Bystander Don't break yourself against the rocks there are much softer places and much sweeter faces if only you will venture out into the madness of the gray and chattering realm that is reality I won't attempt to deter you from your chosen path or batter you with empty words or thoughts absurd I'll just stand by and watch as you finger the trigger and hope with all my heart that you escape him

Had enough? Go here.

Small Flowers Crack Concrete

Paradox, Humor, and Change

The end of this journal. [25 Jul 2004|10:50pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I am no longer going to write in this journal. I'm done with it, and all the memories in it. I'm going to start fresh, so feel free to take happy_sad_girl off your friends list.

My new journal is commonanomaly and I would be delighted if you would add me as a friend because I enjoy the journals of everyone on my friends list.

Thank you!

1 beautiful fool - love me


Not a real post [20 Jul 2004|03:19pm]
[ mood | amused ]

6 out of 7 tests I've taken put me in Gryffindor. The one that didn't put me in Ravenclaw.

I'm from Gryffindor!

Hogwart's Sorting Hat Quiz

LOL! I have way too much time on my hands! Hey, I'm living a bit longer than expected...

A real post is coming soon, I swear!

1 beautiful fool - love me


I'm going to be ill... [15 Jul 2004|07:28pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I'm starting to get sick. Sore throat, body aches, the whole nine yards. If I don't get better fast then I might not post for a while because as it is I am already dizzy and delirious and I have the feeling this is just the beginning!

Must... take... vitiman... c...

6 beautiful fools - love me


Fried chicken for breakfast! [03 Jul 2004|05:04am]
[ mood | giddy ]

Fried chicken for breakfast! That's what I'm talking about! *goes to work happy*

This post made possible by: madminx. Thank you madminx!

2 beautiful fools - love me


Recovering from fun [02 Jul 2004|10:43am]
[ mood | mellow ]

I had a bit too much fun on Wednesday! I made chicken ka-bobs with mushrooms and bell peppers and silver_sessions made me a few kamikazes. madminx got rather drunk herself, but not nearly as drunk as I was. I got to see Cherry again, which was good times and I had a much needed conversation with her about things. My only regret is that I have no idea how the night ended and I woke up the next morning with a bump on my head and apparently I threw up on the stairs. Oops!

I'm actually considering not drinking anymore. I mean, that was a great night, but every time I drink I end up needing a full day to recover. All of me just aches and pain is supposed to be the body's way of telling you something is wrong. If madminx will quit with me then maybe I'll do it.

So yesterday was my recovery day. I stayed in bed most of the day but finally got up so madminx and I could go to the movies. We saw 'The Notebook' and by the end of the movie I was bawling like a baby and peeking at madminx to make sure she wasn't laughing at me. The movie was so sad, but I needed a good cry! Lately I've been a bit too cold for my tastes.

I got a voice mail from my uncle Randall telling me my grandmother is here visiting from Arkansas. This is the same grandmother who sent me a birthday card with a lecture written in it about how I'm not independent and I'm failing and blah blah blah. Also the grandmother that told my little sister "You have to do something with yourself, you're my last hope!" Yeah, so I'm just thrilled to death about going to visit her on the fourth. But oh dear, I work on the fourth! Gee, I guess I'll have to figure something out...

My cat is deathly cute. I had donuts and pudding last night and I might have KFC tonight. 100lbs, here I come! Weeee!

3 beautiful fools - love me


Well hello ugly past! [30 Jun 2004|07:38am]
[ mood | Not surprised ]

Yeah, um... way to dirty up a clean slate, bitch.

7 beautiful fools - love me


Fried chicken! [29 Jun 2004|11:06pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Since madminx was gone on Sunday Vaughan was kind enough to drive me to work. He saved me a lot of trouble because I hate hate hate taking the bus and the last time I did there were creepy people that talked to me.

On Monday my madminx got home and we were delightfully lazy for most of the day. I splurged and bought Kentucky Fried Chicken and it was very much good times. I'm telling you, you haven't seen me happy until you've seen me eat fried chicken!

Later that night Vaughan picked me up and we went and saw Harry Potter. It was my fourth time seeing it and it was just as exciting as the first time! I want to go see it a few more times, and then I'll be satisfied. It's so dark and beautiful. Yep. Vaughan liked it much more than the other ones and I think he was surprised by how much darker it was, but then again he hasn't read the books.

People love my hair. People I work with and people I don't know have been coming up to me to tell me how wonderful my hair is. Yay!

Three weeks ago I weighed myself and my weight was 89.9 pounds. Keep in mind I am itty bitty. I hadn't been able to buy food because I didn't have any money but now that I'm working my ass off I have been able to eat more. Last week I weighed 92.3 pounds. I weighed myself today and my weight is 94.5 pounds. Yay, I'm proud of me! My goal is to reach 100 pounds, 98 at the very least. This calls for more fried chicken!

I hope tomorrow goes well... If it does, you'll be hearing about it!

6 beautiful fools - love me


A poem. [26 Jun 2004|03:58pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Why can't I love you?

Why can't you be the one?
With your sweet, clumsy hands
and your silly smile
and your generous heart
and your glittering eyes?

Why can't you find my heart?
With it's blood flowing like sand
and it's stories wild
and it's numerous scars
and it's great goodbyes?

7 beautiful fools - love me


Ice cream and hair cuts! [24 Jun 2004|08:08pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I got ice cream with Vaughan the other day and I talked about cutting my hair and crazy people and friends. Good times, and damn good ice cream! It was oatmeal raisin something or another. Vaughan got some minty goodness with huge chunks of chocolate in it. Ice cream makes me giddy.

Later I got drunk with madminx and silver_sessions and we talked about nipples and I drew pictures of boobies. We weren't being perverted, I swear! It was more a discussion of female anatomy. Yes. We built this entertainment center thingie and at some point I must have banged my knee really hard because the next day it hurt like a bitch! It was good fun though.

Then yesterday I decided to go for it and get my hair cut. There was 20 minute wait so madminx and I went to the coffee shop next door and I got tea and she got cider. They put whipped cream on her cider and since she can't have dairy I had her feed it to me from a spoon. Good times.

Then something really annoying happened. I went to the restroom and while I was in there someone started knocking on the door. I said "Someone's in here" but they kept knocking so I said it again LOUD. I was getting furious. Who the fuck knocks on a restroom door when they know someone is in there? I mean, come on people, if the door is closed and locked... This is not rocket science. So anyway, I did my business and the jiggling of the door handle was starting to cause this funny twitch in my left eye so I charged the door like a bull and opened it hard and fast. WHAM! Right into some kid. Well, maybe next time his parents(who were standing right there!) will control their damn child. Hehe...

So I got my hair cut! It's pretty cute, though not as short as I wanted it to be. I wanted something more drastic, but oh well...

I've been working hard lately so I thought I'd spoil myself and I bought a new CD (the Cardigans) and the first season of Friends on DVD. Eeeee! I'm so excited about watching it!

I'm so hungry... I'm going to have a chicken pot pie soon and I will be satisfied!

6 beautiful fools - love me


This hunting ground [23 Jun 2004|12:42pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Harriers and Crackpots

I can almost see new york from here
perched on this branch that is dangling precariously over
the greatest gaping hole on the face of the planet.

And then I'm back in the school yard
and children shouldn't know words such as psycho or bitch
but they toss them around like rubber bouncing balls

So, I'm still your little "psycho", am I?
Well then cast your stones with your immaculate fingers and
watch them soar like angels toward my cursed frame

Let the long hidden truth be known
And all hail the heroes that vanquished the loathsome beast!
(Never mind that it was already beaten and fractured)

I was once young, a caster of stones
but then I grew up to find myself in the clutches of reality
but you... you are all still bullies in the schoolyard.

If you want more from me, go here. If you don't, then curl up with a good book and sink into another world. I love good books.

4 beautiful fools - love me


Chitra, my queen! [23 Jun 2004|12:24pm]
[ mood | amused and disturbed ]

So, I have to listen to paper-bag puppets all day on the TV screens at work, two of which are dressed as an Indian couple and sing their lines:

paper-bag puppet 1: Is the movie sold out, my husband?
paper-bag puppet 2: Chitra, my queen, I've used Fandango!
paper-bag puppet 1: My happiness is a golden poem!
paper-bag puppet 2: I'll get the popcorn.

I'm so glad I'm half deaf and can only hear it when there aren't people in the theater making noise! Oh, but it gets stuck in my head...

5 beautiful fools - love me


And my best friend is... [20 Jun 2004|06:00pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

My Best Friend is blindings
Our 35 common interests are: art, books, candles, cats, cheesecake, chocolate, creativity, cuddling, day dreaming, drinking, food, hair dye, harry potter, imagination, individuality, innocence, intelligence, johnny depp, laughing, life, love, music, nature, poetry, reading, romance, sarcasm, shiny things, silence, singing, sleep, star gazing, thinking, wisdom, writing
Who is your best friend?
Created by macoto

Sorry madminx!
4 beautiful fools - love me


Sleep-deprivation-inspired [19 Jun 2004|07:42pm]
[ mood | delirious ]

Ok, time for a weird post.

I got probably 2 hours of sleep last night and then had to get up at 7:30 so I could get ready for work. I got off at 4:30 and sat around the theater until 6 or so when madminx picked me up. We went to Wal Mart so I could buy pads because I am on my period AGAIN. I swear to god I'm going to bleed to death. Hehe... I always said that's how I'd go.

When we got home we made food and after we ate madminx said she was going to go make a smoothie and asked me if I wanted some. I said yes. She left the room. A few minutes later I realized I should put my dishes in the sink otherwise I'd set them on the floor and leave them there for days. So I went to the kitchen. I was halfway there when I heard this low maniacal laughter. Then I saw madminx huddled on the kitchen floor. She was surrounded by...


Lately I have been realizing that guys really suck. I think it's the whole emotional retardation thing. At work there is a very small handful of guys are are charming and sweet and clever. And gay. Why are all the good ones gay? Eh, don't mind me. I'm in PMS land where everything is stupid and sucks! I'm starting to feel a little better, though.

And I'm kind of afraid of the smoothie that madminx just brought me. It has the consistency of slightly watery yogurt...

I'm going to take a nice nap!

5 beautiful fools - love me


Bittersweet nothings [18 Jun 2004|03:01pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]


It's something I've been saying for ages but perhaps I was saying it wrong.
My little voice was always muffled by anger and surprise.
Bad blood, ghosts, and presumption.
These things kill us.
Are you real?
Were you
Reach for me
Or fade into memory.
I am speeding away on tattered wings,
an army of memories nipping at my heels, but I'll escape.
Hope, contrary to your belief, is not destructive when reared in a better place.

5 beautiful fools - love me


More silly bored stuff! [18 Jun 2004|02:45pm]
[ mood | amused ]

happy_sad_girl's LJ stalker is illusionofasoul!
illusionofasoul is stalking you because your LiveJournal is just SO damned interesting. They are also getting with your significant other!

LiveJournal Username:

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

I knew it! Oh, how could you??? LOL! That's good stuff.

Then I thought I'd try it again, and I must say...

happy_sad_girl's LJ stalker is happy_sad_girl!
happy_sad_girl is stalking you because a little birdie told them you talked behind their back. They are also stalking the rest of your friends list!

LiveJournal Username:

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

...I do find that I suspect I'm stalking myself from time to time.
3 beautiful fools - love me


Comment poll thingie! [18 Jun 2004|02:32pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Want to know who has been commenting in my journal and how much?

Come find out!Collapse )

I swear there is a real post coming soon!

3 beautiful fools - love me


Hmm... Who would I sex up? [17 Jun 2004|11:52pm]
[ mood | horny ]

I stole this lovely bit of entertainment from t00rist! Gooood times!

The Who Would You Sex Up? survey.

-Leave the ones you don't know as is.
-Use color on the guys/girls/things you would never sleep with.
-Bold the guys/girls/things you would sleep with.
-Italicize the ones you'd sleep with if you were paid to.
-Add 3 of your own!
-Star the ones you would sleep with if you swung that way

Take a peek!Collapse )

Apparently I'm a picky bitch who doesn't get too much exposure to movies! And is it just me or do I have as many girls on there as guys?

Is this a sign?

3 beautiful fools - love me


[15 Jun 2004|12:01am]
[ mood | tired ]

So much has happened that I don't even know where to start. I'll just mention a few things for now because I am tired.

On friday I went to work feeling really tired. My head felt funny and I was doing concession when it happened. I sneezed and then a second later blood just started gushing out of my nose. I mean gushing. I can't even remember the last time I had a nose bleed... Anyway, I ran to the bathroom and was in there for probably 15 minutes before the blood stopped and then I went back to work. I was really dizzy and could barely stand so the manager sent me on a break. That was a crazy day!

The main thing that has been going on is that our apartment is being re-carpeted. It was supposed to happen on saturday so everything had to be out in the hallway by 9am. madminx and I ended up staying up all night and going to Denny's at around 4am. We were delirious and probably made fools of ourselves, but it was good fun. So, at 9am these guys come and are changing the tiles when the manager of the apartments informs us that the idiot carpet guys forgot to order the carpet so they couldn't do it till monday. That means all of our stuff would have to be out in the hallway over the weekend! We were so fucking pissed but then...

The manager came to us and said that we could go out to eat and bring him the check and he would reimburse us. Free food! Eeeee! So madminx and I went to Claim Jumpers and had drinks, a yummy salad, dinner, and dessert. I ordered filet mignon and it was heaven...

Well, the carpet people didn't do the carpet on monday like they were supposed to and I think I have a cold now, and I have to work at 8:30 in the morning. I hate being sick, but luckily I have silver_sessions to take care of me! I'm so lucky to have friends like this.

Well, I'm going to try to sleep now...

3 beautiful fools - love me


Come to my window [12 Jun 2004|12:50am]
[ mood | amused ]

I forgot to post about this but it was pretty funny so here it goes...

The other night when madminx was away I couldn't sleep so I got up and started playing on the computer. Around three in the morning I put on some headphones so I could listen to Tori Amos. I can't hear Tori and not sing along so there I was wearing headphones and belting out Talula at 3am.

Then I hear a loud crack that makes my heart nearly skip a beat. I realize that someone has throw something at my window. I froze up and my mind started racing with thoughts like, "Oh god, I woke someone up with my singing and they are throwing rocks at my window to shut me up! Maybe I should turn off the light... No, maybe I should just sit here and be silent for a while."

Then I hear another loud crack. I finally got up and peeked out the window expecting to see an angry neighbor and instead I see Josh! The funny thing is that I don't even think he really heard me and I was just being paranoid and silly!

Hehe, I'm such a dork...

5 beautiful fools - love me


I got a Gryffindor scarf! [09 Jun 2004|02:50am]
[ mood | content ]

More good times, less bad times.

Sunday was fun. I wanted to get a gryffindor scarf so I could wear it when keohookalani, madminx, and I went to see Harry Potter for the second time but we couldn't find one. keohookalani brought two slytherin scarves and offered to let me wear one but I said hell no because I'm a gryffindor all the way! And a dork apparently. It's a good thing!

keohookalani is definitely not lacking in character and has a good sense of humor so it was fun. When the movie ended he turned to Eva and said "Now can will kill the Gryffindor?" It was great. I didn't fall asleep until late that night and the next day at work I was horribly tired. I got off early because it was slow and I took the bus home, which was a strange experience being as delirious as I was! I can't remember the last time I was that tired...

I took a long nap when I got home and then around 10pm madminx and I started making Kamikazes and got rather tipsy. At one point Josh came over to say hi and it was cute because his friends were waiting for him in the car and yet he didn't seem to want to leave! silver_sessions came over a little while after Josh left and we all listened to music and talked and stuff. Good clean fun.

Tuesday was great. Eva and I woke up late and drove to Long Beach to a book store that caries Harry Potter merchandise. Because of traffic we got there mere minutes before the store closed and then Eva bought me a Gryffindor scarf and a Slytherin scarf for herself. madminx kicks ass! I was so happy that I couldn't stop bouncing around and I even tackled her and hugged her, which is something I don't normally do. Eeeeee! I'm still giddy! Thanks madminx, I'll love you forever and ever and ever and ever! And ever!

When we got home Josh picked me up and I had dinner with him and his family. It was pretty nice because Josh's mother really likes me and when I told her I like to cook she said that she'd like to buy all the ingredients I would need so I could make them all dinner one night. She's actually trying to get to know me as a person and is very generous and warm. It's wonderful to be made to feel like I'm part of a family, especially since my family lives so far away...

So yeah, good times.

PS: The cats are terribly cute. It's almost painful.

4 beautiful fools - love me


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